Monday, September 8, 2008

Say aaahh. AAAAAHHHH!!

I have the beginnings of a nagging toothache. Nag nag nag. 

I’m not particularly scared of going to the dentist - I have been to some interesting ones over the years.

First there was Dr Dodds. Who my father used to pay in paintings. He was a kindly man, I don’t remember much about him except that he gave me one of those cool little dentist mirrors. Which was pretty fab. And I remember being able to chose my very own present after going to him as a kid and I got a gold dinky car that I LOVED. Until I ran an ant over by mistake and felt TERRIBLE. He got Alzheimer’s and used to come into his practice all confused. I felt so bad for him.

Then there was the 7th Day Adventist dentists (yes) who used to practice on me. My mouth is full full of fillings. Little naïve thing that I was at boarding school in Malawi. Every time I went to the dentist – like once a month – they’d give me two or three fillings (I kid you not) and tell me to come back next month. So the next month I’d go back and they’d drill a bit more and call in their colleagues and use big words thinking I wouldn’t be able to understand and prod a bit more and chuck a couple more fillings in. And then sometimes they’d just take out the old fillings and redo them. And I didn’t think this was fishy? No, I guess not. Until they told me I needed 6 fillings and to come back next week. After this I thought, no bugger it, I won’t. So next time we went to South Africa I went to another dentist and he said ‘no, your teeth are fine, you don’t need any fillings, let alone six!’

Then there is the Korean guy in Lusaka who seems to only know one word in English – PAIN? Or was he just saying PAIN! He looked pretty gleeful when he said it. Over and over again.

The Chinese lady who loves root canal. Just say no to that one and she’ll say ‘oh, okay’ and give you a normal filling. I only found this out from other people after the fact. She pulled the nerve out and wriggled it in front of my eyes saying ‘Nerve! See! Nerve!’ It was pretty cool, actually. A bit gross but cool.

The guy in Cape Town who shouted at me. Don’t want to talk about him. Wanted to basically pull all my teeth out and start again. Didn’t like him! Which reminds me of this story.

My uncle got kicked in the teeth by a dead buffalo a few years ago (don’t ask!). So one of his front teeth was wriggly or out, I forget which. He asked his business partner if he could recommend a good dentist. Sure, he said and gave his details. So my uncle goes to this dentist and says that he has this wiggly tooth can he fix it? Somehow the next thing he knows my uncle has had ALL of his teeth pulled out and needs implants. But first he needs to walk around with NO teeth for 6 months. So my uncle tells his business partner that he didn’t think much of the dentist he recommended to which the business partner replied “You didn’t mention my name did you? Because he caught me in bed with his wife!” True story! My uncle thinks it’s pretty funny. Now that he has his teeth back. It cost him a FORTUNE.

So although I’m not particularly scared of going to the dentist (it seems I should be) I think I’d better wait until Ramadan is over, don’t you think? Because if my nice new Muslim dentist is anything like me when I haven’t eaten in a while……

Stay. Away.

10 comments:

Val said...

come and do dentist here!! we have a nice dentist. Last time I went he sent me away WITHOUT a filling!! I liked that. he has pictures of wolves and snow leopards in his room; and lots of kiddy pictures dedicated to Oom (uncle)Koos. When i call for appointment I realise i only know his name is Oom Koos!! really odd cos i think he is younger than me!! hehe
thats a funny terrible story bout Adrians wobbly tooth!

tam said...

You haven't even mentioned the creationist with the toy dinosaur collection. Oh, maybe you never went to him...
I do remember though that after your first visit to Dodds, you cried and cried and I couldn't get out of you what was wrong until you told me that you had swallowed that stuff they gurgle into your mouth and you thought you were gonna die.

Miranda said...

Val - I wanna go to Oom Koos!

Tam - yes I remember that! I was terrified! Until you told me it was just water. Oh! Never went to the creationist guy. Damn. Where was I?

Angela said...

I have a pretty good dentist (I thought), but then I went into this library bus and got to talk to a very old shriveled woman who kept staring at my teeth. The same afternoon she called me (where did she get my phone number?) and said, "Remember me from the library bus? I must tell you that your dental prothesis look horrific! Ghastly!" "Is that why you called me?" I asked, shattered."I don`t even HAVE dentals" (they are just crowns). "YES!"she said. "Dreadful. But as it happens, I am a dentist and can make you new ones. I live opposite od the library bus station, second floor." "Um, excuse me" I said. "Are you still practicing? You look..."(why be gentle with HER?)...rather old!" "90, but always been good at dentals! Make an appointment!"... I never went back to that bus.

Reya Mellicker said...

Kicked by a dead buffalo? Hmmm ...

I wish you could come see my dentist. He lives around the corner and is the coolest, best dentist I've ever had. He's tall and handsome, plays very cool music, and takes his time while working. His vocabulary includes more than one word...he's a doll.

Hope your tooth settles down until the end of Ramadan. I agree it wouldn't be great to be worked on by a hungry dentist.

aims said...

Oh Miranda! How funny and horrible all at the same time!

I love going to the dentist. I think my teeth are my best feature - so I actually look forward to it and can fall asleep in the chair. My dentist is just a darling - how lucky am I then?

Ernest de Cugnac said...

Good God miranda. This tops the lot. I hate dentists and I'm very sorry about your 7th day piss artists. I had something a bit like that in London. Needed x fillings (four, five, something like that) so I never went back and did just fine. Bastards. (Unless you are a nice dentist reading this post, e.g. Reya's).

Janelle said...

oh mo mo. please wait until the fastings over. dr dirani is very nice though. he really is. and gentle and doesn;t make you talk when your mouth is full of steel implements. and darling THANKS for going to buy the fighting fish tommorrow...obliged forever and EVER. love you. xxx janelle

Elaine said...

If I lived where you do, I don't think I'd have any teeth by now. Not because of bad dentists, but because you would never have got me in the chair!

Chimera said...

That is a fantastic story! it sounds like it is straight out of a Van De Merwe joke book...(gawd those jokes!) My expereinces have left me terrified of drills and all dentists. I have a nice one now only he won't let me come in drunk but he does give me diazapan before treatment. its the only way to stop me twitching and grabbing things which is very dangerous for a dentist.
May i request your email address me dear?
T x