My husband is not a metrosexual. At all. He had an army upbringing; he trained to be a Royal Marine. He’s a bloke. Plain and simple. (He's also a real hottie, but that's by the by). He is a black-coffee-straight-up kinda person, not a touchy feely fruit flavoured-tea-bag guy. No noo. On top of that he’s British. So none of this lets-sit-in-a-circle-and-talk-about-our-feelings malarkey.
So when I informed him that we were going to attend natural childbirth classes (which would involve sitting on the floor with a bunch of other people) he visibly blanched (and he’s not the whitest of folk). I sent him the pamphlet that listed all the things we had to bring, which included “An open and curious mind and willingness to share your feelings”
“A ‘willingness to share my feelings??’ Piss off!” He spluttered. We also had to bring a yoga mat and some pillows. I told him that maybe they were going to instruct us on some aternative sexual positions for pregnancy. “WHAT!”
I’m not quite sure how we managed to get roped into this quite frankly as it’s not entirely my scene either, but forewarned is forearmed and all that. And, at the risk of being sent to Pregnaho, it’s just a blogging opportunity I cannot pass up.
So off we trooped with all our pillows and blankets and yoga mats. Felt like we were going for a sleepover or camping or summin. There were twelve of us altogether and yes, we all sat in a circle cross-legged on the floor and everyone had to introduce themselves. I felt like saying “Hi I’m Miranda and I’m an alcoholic” but I behaved myself. Husband sat next to me with his phone on the yoga mat next to us - on silent - praying I bet, for some emergency that would take him away from the shiny-eyed, glowing, purring, bursting-at-the-seams parents to be. At the end of it though he said “I suppose when you cut through all the crap it was quite good really”. I was skeptical to begin with too but I’m afraid to say I thoroughly enjoyed myself! Uh oh!
The highlight of course was when one of the mothers (to be) was talking and someone from across the circle let off a ruddy great fart. But loud! And there was a miniscule crack in everyone’s earnest faces and everything was suspended for a drop of a tear (of laughter) length of time and then everything carried on as normal. Oh my god I nearly wet myself. I have NO idea how I didn’t manage to burst out “WAS THAT A FART???” and clutch my ever-growing ever-moving belly in helpless laughter. But I didn’t even turn my head coz I knew that that would be the end of me.