Thursday, February 5, 2009

Childbirth Classes (I can't think of a witty title)

My husband is not a metrosexual. At all. He had an army upbringing; he trained to be a Royal Marine. He’s a bloke. Plain and simple. (He's also a real hottie, but that's by the by). He is a black-coffee-straight-up kinda person, not a touchy feely fruit flavoured-tea-bag guy. No noo. On top of that he’s British. So none of this lets-sit-in-a-circle-and-talk-about-our-feelings malarkey.

So when I informed him that we were going to attend natural childbirth classes (which would involve sitting on the floor with a bunch of other people) he visibly blanched (and he’s not the whitest of folk). I sent him the pamphlet that listed all the things we had to bring, which included “An open and curious mind and willingness to share your feelings”

“A ‘willingness to share my feelings??’ Piss off!” He spluttered. We also had to bring a yoga mat and some pillows. I told him that maybe they were going to instruct us on some aternative sexual positions for pregnancy. “WHAT!”

I’m not quite sure how we managed to get roped into this quite frankly as it’s not entirely my scene either, but forewarned is forearmed and all that. And, at the risk of being sent to Pregnaho, it’s just a blogging opportunity I cannot pass up.

So off we trooped with all our pillows and blankets and yoga mats. Felt like we were going for a sleepover or camping or summin. There were twelve of us altogether and yes, we all sat in a circle cross-legged on the floor and everyone had to introduce themselves. I felt like saying “Hi I’m Miranda and I’m an alcoholic” but I behaved myself. Husband sat next to me with his phone on the yoga mat next to us - on silent - praying I bet, for some emergency that would take him away from the shiny-eyed, glowing, purring, bursting-at-the-seams parents to be. At the end of it though he said “I suppose when you cut through all the crap it was quite good really”. I was skeptical to begin with too but I’m afraid to say I thoroughly enjoyed myself! Uh oh!

The highlight of course was when one of the mothers (to be) was talking and someone from across the circle let off a ruddy great fart. But loud! And there was a miniscule crack in everyone’s earnest faces and everything was suspended for a drop of a tear (of laughter) length of time and then everything carried on as normal. Oh my god I nearly wet myself. I have NO idea how I didn’t manage to burst out “WAS THAT A FART???” and clutch my ever-growing ever-moving belly in helpless laughter. But I didn’t even turn my head coz I knew that that would be the end of me.

20 comments:

Dumdad said...

My wife and I went to a preggers class like that for our first-born. I can't say I took it very seriously and we spent the few sessions we attended laughing most of the time. I wanted to say "bollocks to the classes" and saunter off to the pub à la Withnail but I didn't.

It's all part of life's rich wotsit but the classes had little bearing on the actual birth which was quite drawn out. I was exhausted by the end of it, I can tell you, and hungry. And thirsty. We men suffer.

Val said...

aah lovely - except the fart - how do farts always make it into the most structured occasions? well thank goodness :-)
so glad you are taking us with you on this journey - i am excited toooooo

Angela said...

Oh Miranda, wonderful! I sure was giggling helplessly when I pictured you and Mark, hahaha. How brave of him to attend! It will be his birthday soon, won`t it? Maybe you can find him something real "manly" for a present, a pipe, or whiskey? - so he gets reassured again. Congratulations for keeping a straight face. I KNOW how hard that must have been for you, and yes, I think I would also have had the notion to introduce myself as an alcoholic. You really ARE one of my kind, girl! Oh, so your little one is moving?!! Yes, keep us posted!!!

Mud in the City said...

Your husband sounds rather a dish. Does he have a brother?

I'm not good at Ernest knit-your-own-yoghurt events either and get overcome by a painfully childish desire to giggle madly. How on earth did you manage to keep a straight face after the fart??!

Tessa said...

Hehe. I can just picture it. Husband stony-faced-I-will-not-be-sucked-into-this-baloney-I'll-just-do-it-for-her-sake-grimness. And then a fart to clear the air, so to speak. Bet he relaxed a bit after that windy explosion!

My husabnd made up a staggering variety of excuses not to attend any of my classes. His main reason, however, was that he knew how to do it all. He'd grown up on a farm, hadn't he? 'You just need a bucket and a rope, fer Pete's sake.'

He had to be given a cup of very sweet tea and a biscuit after G. was born 'cos, as the midwife pointed out on noticing his extreme pallor 'You've come over all fainty, haven't you dear?'

Miranda said...

Dumdad - yes, hard to keep a straight face. Especially when everyone else is taking it so SERIOUSLY! And indeed, you poor men! Sounds like its you guys that need the drugs....

Val - oh they do indeed. I think that's why they were invented

Geli - I know, I wish you could have been there! And yes baby juuust starting to move. Feels like popcorn popping in my tummy right now!

Mud - husband is indeed a dish but unfortunately brotherless! And I have no idea how I managed to keep a straight face. Through most of it actually! But it was fun nonetheless!

Miranda said...

Tessa - haha! Indeed a bucket and a rope is all that's needed!! I think for all their hardness the blokes may need more than milky sweet tea and a biscuit. hehheh. The fart was a wonderful ice breaker, even tho no-one said anything! As I said to Val, I think that's why they were invented....

Janelle said...

bloody funny. i can just see the two of you there...esp. M! bloody funny, man! xxx j

Reya Mellicker said...

This is truly hilarious.

You know, dads have not been a part of birthing anywhere in the world, anytime in history, until just recently, so though it's an evolutionary role for them, it's really unprecedented and very difficult for most of them.

As a doula I often feel kind of sorry for the dads. They stand around in the labor room, looking so out of their realms. And no one takes care of them, something many men are used to.

Your husband, being army trained, will get right in there and be a fabulous coach for you when you go into labor. The warm and fuzzy classes before then will no doubt be a bigger challenge to him - and maybe to you, too!

fush and chips said...

Welcome, to Pregnaho, population 349, 682, 391 bagillion.

Group lectures on pregancy sex postions? Euuyuew!

Miranda said...

J yes it was funny!

Reya, true! And you're a doula - wow. I'd love to have YOU with me too!

Fush, fuuuuuuuck! I've blown it haven't I? And yes I thought the group sex lectures was a nice touch to really freak him out.

Jeannie said...

Tee hee!!! At our ante natal classes we sat on sofas... we were allowed to bring snacks and drinks along - ever other good mommy-to-be brought fruit juice and my hubby (ex Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders, went through Sandhurst, also very British) brought beer... It caused a certain amount of genteel gasping when I had a big swig of his after the class (really, I never had more than a swig until after the Nunu was born, but it helped SO much with the ever present nausea) and it came in VERY handy when the instructor started talking about exercising your kegel muscles in preparation for birth and handing round diagrams of 8cm dilated... the men vanished like pale ghosts, off to the Castle Lager!! It must be confessed that most of us women would have liked to do that too, but couldn't get off the sofas due to the big tummies :-/

I still meet up with all the ladies at least once a month (apart from the one who lives in Canada) and we've been together as a little group through second babies and now, in one brave mama's case, the start of a third.

The actual birth... Suffice to say that I thought it went fine but hubby was more than a little taken aback.

Welcome to Pregnahoh... you can check out any time you like, but you can never (really) leave....

Lori ann said...

miranda, i think you have the thing you need the most to be a good parent(well, one of the things!) a sense of humor!and also, one things for sure, nothings for sure. Your husband may surprise you, you'll surprise yourself, ah! as you are finding out already, its like nothing else.
popcorn! hahehe!

xx lori

Shiny said...

Oh, what fun! Do you get to have a nap on your pillow, beneath your blanket, after class? x

Rob Inukshuk said...

Oh this is so very exciting with farty funny bits too. Reminds me of sharing in my sisters first (of 4) pregnancies. Of course I must add, I'm glad it's you and not me - obviously.

Miranda said...

Jeannie - oh thats funny. VERY good idea to bring beer!

Lori - yes indeed. What a ride!

Shiny B - we were indeed allowed a nap after. Or rather an enforced relaxation number!

Rob - 4 pregnancies. Bloody hell! Actually I'm trying to persuade husband that 4 is a good number but he's having nothing of it. Maybe we should get through this one first before I get too ambitious!

karen said...

Pregnaho!! this just cracks me up.. :-) thanks for sharing - poor brave husband - so very good of him to be there with you...:-)

Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

Toooooo much! I'm rolling on the floor!!!

SafariB said...

Ha ha! Oh Miranda. I missed this post and just seen it now. Funny funny, I dont think I would have kept a straight face after that fart!

And p.s. yes Mark is a Dish :) Lucky girl..

pps - wow, for some reason never knew Mark or Craig were army guys! Well, I was an army girl - Duntroon Officer :)

ppps... popcorn tummy!... :)

Miranda said...

Karen - yes, indeed, although I'm not sure how long he'll last!

LF - heh heh. It was funny!

Bridget - It was hard! Craig is and army guy?? Which one??? which Craig I mean, not which army!