Monday, June 22, 2009

The battle of wounded knee

Picture the scene.

My sister is rushing off to the university in her little red car to get exam papers to mark (its a really lovely little red car). I have the remote to the electric gate so I say I'll let her out. I am sitting on the ledge near the gate, bleary eyed, in my pj's. My new verycomfy verywarm tracksuit pants and a ridiculous pair of verywarm verypurple veryslippy slippers (appropriate word) from Lesotho that my sister has lent me.

The gate rumbles open and she reverses out the driveway, but there is a car passing so she stops. I, still half asleep - and not used to electric gates - press the button again and the gate starts to close on my sisters car. FUCK, I think, FUCK! I'm going to crush my sisters car in the gate! I have a flashing red vision of crumpled tin and squealing gate. The next Darwin Award. So I jump up and try to run towards my sister, mouth moving, no sound coming out. Slow-mo, you know? And then time speeds up double time and I slip and fall really really hard on my left knee on the concrete driveway. Knee-hand, up again, 'gatecarTamFUCK!' (do I just think it or say it this time?) fall again, right knee right hand. Smack the top of my belly as I put my hand out, but not too hard. Its where the baby's bum is now so maybe just a taste of things to come. Har har.

Usually when I fall my first instinct is to laugh (coz falling is funny, right) but I get too much of a fright and instead crumple down in the driveway semi crawling towards the car sobbing. Is the baby alright? Did I crush the car? Did I scratch it? Is my sister okay, is the baby okay? Aina my KNEE! I have a vision of the camera panning up, slow-mo again, a birdseye view, sound blocked out. My sister getting out the car coming towards the heap on the pavement. Also bursts into tears. Puts her ear to my big belly. Sees my torn trousers and veryred grazes. Is it a comedy? High drama? Both? All very dramatic and if it weren't so bloody sore, very funny! Heck, it IS funny even though it is so sore. But all is well, I had a good blub and I'm now walking like I have a wooden leg. My centre of gravity is all weird anyway (duh!) and now when I try to put my trousers on or sit down on the loo I feel like a robot and every step I make I hear a tinny voice in my head saying 'recalculating'.

On Facebook I say Miranda is aina (sore) and receive a flurry of comments from people thinking I'm going into labour. I'm sure when THAT happens, dear friends, I'll a)not be giving a running commentary on FB and b) you'll be able to hear the screams from there, so fear not!

Anyway, it could be so much worse and I feel great after that little moan, so thank you!

Oh and the car was FINE! Who knew that electric gates stopped when they hit something and didn't just keep trying to close with the force of one of those aeroplane tugs behind it? Okay, don't answer that.

17 comments:

Jill of All Trades said...

Glad you and the belly and the sis are okay.

Janelle said...

oh mo...SORRY MAN! but its very funny! maybe just because i know you two so well...i can see it exactly...but i am really really sorry 'bout your knee darlin'...really....love you xxx j

Dumdad said...

Oh you poor thing! Yes, on one level it sounds rather funny but in a slapstick way. Hope all's well now and the knee is getting better.

karen said...

Very dramatic,and you must have had such a fright, too! Glad all is OK in the long run, apart from the knee... By the way, I would also not have known that was how the electric gates were going to behave! Not much experience with such things either :)

SafariB said...

I laughed and laughed at your "recalculating"! :) :) I cant tell you how many bloody times I've heard that thing!

Sorry for that madam! Glad your baby is ok ..

Am absolutely 100% sure I would have done just exactly the same as you with the gate! Funny...

spacedlaw said...

Oh dear, I am glad you and the baby are all right. That was rather reckless of you (so much so that I thought you were telling us of an incident happening when you were a child or a teenager).

Angela said...

And now keep sitting on a chair, reading books, knitting, whatever, until your labour screams start (only joking), and don`t risk anything before that day! Girl, you sent my hair on edge! Lots of love from Auntie and Great-Auntie (same person).

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

I wouldnt have known that either and I saw myself in your slo mo action replay...that was so MOI!
you poor thing, such stress...and your tunny went hard in a long braxton hicks to protect your baby right??

hope all is well...

Shiny said...

Oh, how horrible and scary. Glad we all know now what those blooming gates will do, sorry you had to be the guinea pig though, especially now! Hope your knee is healing nicely and your nerves have dejangled. Was SO lovely to see you and the bump xxx

Mud in the City said...

Oh Miranda - ow, ow ow! How painful and scary - that is one way of waking up in the morning! But the way you write it IS funny, so I don't feel too bad at having a little giggle....

And I wouldn't have known about the gate either.

Put your feet up (if you can ) you deserve it!
xx

Rob Inukshuk said...

Oh those electric gates - I get all twitchy just remembering all the paniced incidents involving the awful set at my parents old Joburg home...glad the bump is fine and hope your knee is getting better. Now take it easy!

Miranda said...

JoaT - yes all is well thanks!

Janelle - I know, it was pretty funny...now!

DD - very slpastick. I love slapstick!

Karen - yes the mystery of electric gates

SafariB - heh heh, it follows me everywhere these days

Spacedlaw - thanks for the concern! All is well.

FFF - heh heh, glad you could identify!

Shiny - it was FAB to see you too! Thanks for lunch and hope CT is not too wet n cold - looks bloody miserable on the weather chanel!

Mud - yes a great way of waking up!

Rob - yes, funny ol things! I shall try and take it easy!

Val said...

god miranda poor you!! the picture of you and tammy sobbing on the pavement with the red car being crushed by the gate, nearly had me crying too! take it easy from now on ok - no more slippy slippers xx

JoeinVegas said...

Couldn't you just push the button again and have them change direction? (I know, poor time to suggest it).

What was the name of the other leg? (older joke there, sorry)

Chimera said...

damn girl you can write drama! I was with you every mouth open no sound coming out second! Fab post and am catching up with your old pics and all that stuff...yes guniea pigs smell and squeak and scatch. I am a hamster girl myself as all ours kept being horribly ececuted by various dogs...
Anyway poor pee girl. Take care of yourself and your knees. We kneed you!
T xxxx

Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

Glad you, your belly, and baby are okay... also, your sister & her cute car. And as for that gate...
Be careful, take care, and as Angela says enjoy sitting, reading, knitting because soon you will be very busy!
Greetings from Texas

Lori ann said...

sorry i missed this Miranda! I hope you have discarded the slippy slippers and are taking GREAT care now. Oh dear.

soon...☺