Picture the scene.
My sister is rushing off to the university in her little red car to get exam papers to mark (its a really lovely little red car). I have the remote to the electric gate so I say I'll let her out. I am sitting on the ledge near the gate, bleary eyed, in my pj's. My new verycomfy verywarm tracksuit pants and a ridiculous pair of verywarm verypurple veryslippy slippers (appropriate word) from Lesotho that my sister has lent me.
The gate rumbles open and she reverses out the driveway, but there is a car passing so she stops. I, still half asleep - and not used to electric gates - press the button again and the gate starts to close on my sisters car. FUCK, I think, FUCK! I'm going to crush my sisters car in the gate! I have a flashing red vision of crumpled tin and squealing gate. The next Darwin Award. So I jump up and try to run towards my sister, mouth moving, no sound coming out. Slow-mo, you know? And then time speeds up double time and I slip and fall really really hard on my left knee on the concrete driveway. Knee-hand, up again, 'gatecarTamFUCK!' (do I just think it or say it this time?) fall again, right knee right hand. Smack the top of my belly as I put my hand out, but not too hard. Its where the baby's bum is now so maybe just a taste of things to come. Har har.
Usually when I fall my first instinct is to laugh (coz falling is funny, right) but I get too much of a fright and instead crumple down in the driveway semi crawling towards the car sobbing. Is the baby alright? Did I crush the car? Did I scratch it? Is my sister okay, is the baby okay? Aina my KNEE! I have a vision of the camera panning up, slow-mo again, a birdseye view, sound blocked out. My sister getting out the car coming towards the heap on the pavement. Also bursts into tears. Puts her ear to my big belly. Sees my torn trousers and veryred grazes. Is it a comedy? High drama? Both? All very dramatic and if it weren't so bloody sore, very funny! Heck, it IS funny even though it is so sore. But all is well, I had a good blub and I'm now walking like I have a wooden leg. My centre of gravity is all weird anyway (duh!) and now when I try to put my trousers on or sit down on the loo I feel like a robot and every step I make I hear a tinny voice in my head saying 'recalculating'.
On Facebook I say Miranda is aina (sore) and receive a flurry of comments from people thinking I'm going into labour. I'm sure when THAT happens, dear friends, I'll a)not be giving a running commentary on FB and b) you'll be able to hear the screams from there, so fear not!
Anyway, it could be so much worse and I feel great after that little moan, so thank you!
Oh and the car was FINE! Who knew that electric gates stopped when they hit something and didn't just keep trying to close with the force of one of those aeroplane tugs behind it? Okay, don't answer that.