Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Black holes

Our first night home from the birthing centre I’m sitting on the very-white couch in my cousin’s house watching tele and suddenly out of the blue-black I’m hit really forcefully in the chest by this thick black heavy….Thing. An I’ve-just-fallen-off-a-ladder-from-a-mighty-big-height feeling. The Dementors are in the room and closing in – and shutting your eyes isn’t going to get rid of them. In a quick strobe lit moment I understand that seemingly bottomless no-way-out despair that would drive one to suicide. And right there in front of me is this deep-deep black hole gaping up at me. I can physically see it. Black tentacles trying to lure me in. And I peer over the edge and know that I cannot go there. A vertigo moment. In the depths of this pit it is so dark that I would not be able to tell if my eyes are open or closed. It terrifies me utterly. I am scared that if I fall in I will never-ever manage to claw myself out of the quicksand. But somehow I back pedal, I reign myself in, stop sobbing, hug the bewildered husband. I am exhausted from the effort.

Generally I am a happy person. I know that some people find this really irritating, but it’s not like I do it on purpose. I’m not a fake-smiley-ra-ra-let’s-be-happy kind of person. (well, maybe a little!) I’m default set to see the positive and I can’t help it. My sister is always telling me I must embrace the dark side of life, leave room for the negative, “what you resist persists” she tells me. I know she has a point, but I find it hard sometimes to dwell on the shit stuff. I’d rather acknowledge it, realize it could be worse and move on. I literally feel icky in my tummy when I focus on the negative. I really can’t bring myself to sweat the small stuff. And I cannot watch footage of dead bodies on the television. It fizzes in my chest and hurts. I do believe that negative attracts negative and vice versa. But yes, it’s the balance one needs to get right I guess. I know, I know, there’s a difference between winging constantly about minor stuff and accepting and learning from Big Bad Things. I like to think I have the balance right but maybe I don’t. I think sometimes its hard to get perspective on your own life.

So anyway, the question is, if that black hole comes calling for me again, do I let myself fall in, explore the depths? Or do I dig in my heels and give it the finger? Do I turn tail, dragging my head through the sand as I go? Or do I indeed have any control over it all?

12 comments:

family affairs said...

Maybe it won't come back - seems all the girls with the African thing are experiencing black dogs...talk to Tanvir Lx

Mud in the City said...

Well described. You've avoided the lure once, you can do so again, whilst not being blind to Dark Things is necessary, taking that step into the shadows is a dangerous thing!

Angela said...

My dear Miranda, you are "only" my niece, but in some ways you are just absolutely like me. It is grandfather Oscar`s inheritance! And his sister, Auntie Clara, was the same way. She signed any document with "Auntie Clara from the Sahara" (I bet even at the bank). I also have been confronted with that Bad Black Abyss that you have come eye to eye with, and me too, I have jumped back. I am now 61 years old, and I have been a happy person most all of my life, yes, perhaps deliberately, but also because I was so, by nature. And yes, I KNOW there is bad in this world, but do I make it better when I nod to it and spread it out and give it attention? I have come to the conclusion that I have a right to be as happy as I want, and as many people go away from me in a better mood, what can be wrong with it? You be just who you are, Miranda! And with your joyfullness you will brighten up the world! Your baby has chosen you for just who you are.

Rob Inukshuk said...

Wot wise Aunt Angela says!

Dumdad said...

Give it the finger and tell it to bugger off!

Miranda said...

FA- you're right (I hope!), I don't think its coming back. It was day two after having had a baby, not having slept for 3 nights and a long old labour with a mix of hormones thrown in...that'll do it!

Mud - yes, I shall beat it off then!

Geli - xxx wise words!

Rob - ya!

DD - okay I shall! The double finger, both hands. And I'll stick my tongue out too for good measure!

Shiny said...

Ooo, yes, like they all said! (This is a good example of lazy commenting - just ditto what everyone else says... I can't help that you have such wise people commenting) xx

Iota said...

I don't feel at all qualified to comment on that. I do want to say that I've enjoyed browsing your blog - I discovered it via Reluctant Memsahib.

tam said...

dude, don't listen to me. i'm the miserable git, remember?

Nina said...

Don't go there, it's a very bad place. As cheesy as this sounds, there is a light, try and find it. I think I've seen it before in my dreams.

nina

Lori ann said...

dear Miranda, gelis right. just because somethings there doesn't mean we have to go there too. we can choose.
big hug and lots love,
lori

Mignon said...

Hi Miranda,

As a new mom you will go through a couple ,more of those, especially if your little one is not a good sleeper. Mine is a year a half now and I am finally coming out the other end. If you are finding yourself feeling negative for long days at a time, slipping into weeks, talk to a psychologist because you may be Post Natally Depressed. I was for almost a year before I diagnosed it. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go there, its aweful and there are ways that you can be supported. I nearly lost my marriage. Before the baby craziness I was also a well balanced, live in possibility and so positive it made other people sick. But I lost me way in amongst all the hormones and lack of sleep. I was so tired I didnt even notice how negative I had become. Take care of yourself and ask for support when you need it and the tentacled thing will not such you : ) it does and WILL get better.
Love Mignon