Our first night home from the birthing centre I’m sitting on the very-white couch in my cousin’s house watching tele and suddenly out of the blue-black I’m hit really forcefully in the chest by this thick black heavy….Thing. An I’ve-just-fallen-off-a-ladder-from-a-mighty-big-height feeling. The Dementors are in the room and closing in – and shutting your eyes isn’t going to get rid of them. In a quick strobe lit moment I understand that seemingly bottomless no-way-out despair that would drive one to suicide. And right there in front of me is this deep-deep black hole gaping up at me. I can physically see it. Black tentacles trying to lure me in. And I peer over the edge and know that I cannot go there. A vertigo moment. In the depths of this pit it is so dark that I would not be able to tell if my eyes are open or closed. It terrifies me utterly. I am scared that if I fall in I will never-ever manage to claw myself out of the quicksand. But somehow I back pedal, I reign myself in, stop sobbing, hug the bewildered husband. I am exhausted from the effort.
Generally I am a happy person. I know that some people find this really irritating, but it’s not like I do it on purpose. I’m not a fake-smiley-ra-ra-let’s-be-happy kind of person. (well, maybe a little!) I’m default set to see the positive and I can’t help it. My sister is always telling me I must embrace the dark side of life, leave room for the negative, “what you resist persists” she tells me. I know she has a point, but I find it hard sometimes to dwell on the shit stuff. I’d rather acknowledge it, realize it could be worse and move on. I literally feel icky in my tummy when I focus on the negative. I really can’t bring myself to sweat the small stuff. And I cannot watch footage of dead bodies on the television. It fizzes in my chest and hurts. I do believe that negative attracts negative and vice versa. But yes, it’s the balance one needs to get right I guess. I know, I know, there’s a difference between winging constantly about minor stuff and accepting and learning from Big Bad Things. I like to think I have the balance right but maybe I don’t. I think sometimes its hard to get perspective on your own life.
So anyway, the question is, if that black hole comes calling for me again, do I let myself fall in, explore the depths? Or do I dig in my heels and give it the finger? Do I turn tail, dragging my head through the sand as I go? Or do I indeed have any control over it all?